But most of us do not yet understand that news is to the mind what sugar is to the body. News is easy to digest. Unlike reading books and long magazine articles which require thinkingwe can swallow limitless quantities of news flashes, which are bright-coloured candies for the mind. Today, we have reached the same point in relation to information that we faced 20 years ago in regard to food.
They say the camera doesn't lie - but appearances can be deceiving, and the truth isn't always visible. Since I was a child, I have been outlined by the negative space, the shadows that mark the edges. But the truth is simply that I exist.
And the spaces - the labels, the boxes, the binaries - are all human conceits. But reality is broader than boxes, and exultantly defies the neat categories with which we attempt to constrain and codify.
Not limited by labels, but limned in light, I exist. We each have our own multifaceted brilliance; I want a world where we can all shine. Fearlessness, of that body, profound and enigmatic, in pain of birth, a prose of sins respectfully lingered to transcendence, surrendering to the becoming of the other, laughing seconds with the gods.
Remembrance, of that body, ephemeral and sublime, in acceptance of its growth, a process and its confounded maze that transpires trust, silence, and an empathic pair of eyes. Sometimes it's easier to swallow them and write a story book inside your soul then let them swim out of your mouth.
I never thought of myself as "beautiful". Even when the world told me I was. How old I looked for my age. The endless cat calls and objectification made me even more self-conscious.
I was 10 the first time I stopped eating. The first time I felt guilty about ingesting food. And 12 the first time I started cutting to try and release the anger I had inside me.
I avoided mirrors at all costs. Childhood trauma and abuse hold onto parts of your insides and gnaw at them like obsessive leaches. I grew into adulthood keeping these obsessive thoughts close.
Like a secret storybook only I knew the language to. Abuse carried into my adulthood. One day I woke up and looked into the mirror into my own eyes and told myself I am not the monster I see.
And told myself I don't deserve abuse. And to love myself. This is my body, my scars, my rolls, my armor.
Sometimes the thoughts will hit me like a lightning bolt, but I wish I could wrap my arms around my young self and tell her it will get better. Some days are easier than others. Some days I feel more vulnerable than others.
Vulnerability is one of the rawest feelings humans can feel, and also when we learn the most about ourselves. This life painted with human connections, challenges, and so much fucking love. I think the heart is the most vulnerable part of us. Especially when you let people inside that eloquent box you've kept locked until you've found your human key.Updated February “You have to make choices even when there is nothing to choose from.” ― Péter Zilahy.
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